A Glasgow Gentleman?
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Posted:Feb 26, 2014 12:42 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2014 6:08 am
13435 Views
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A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then the man from Glasgow stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
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Canadian
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Posted:Feb 19, 2014 1:06 am
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2014 1:09 am
13356 Views
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I was watching a female Canadian comedian recently.
I laughed when I heard the Canadian equivalent of Camel Toe is:
MOOSE KNUCKLE!!!!!
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Downton Abbey??
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Posted:Feb 17, 2014 1:43 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2014 12:56 am
13625 Views
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His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached
and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."
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Australian Jokes
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Posted:Feb 13, 2014 1:36 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2014 1:29 am
13769 Views
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had shagged his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!"
"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boy's only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse".
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. "Hang about" !!!!
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Daily Jokes
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Posted:Jan 25, 2014 12:12 am
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2014 5:45 am
13839 Views
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Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
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An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
***************************************
They always ask at the doctors office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others whats wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
Theres nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?
Theres something wrong with my dick, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldnt come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.
The receptionist replied; Now youve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man replied, You shouldnt ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, yes??
Theres something wrong with my ear, he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice... And what is wrong with your ear, sir?
I cant piss out of it, he replied.
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Better Get My Trainers Out Then!
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Posted:Jan 7, 2014 3:15 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2014 11:28 pm
14644 Views
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If you want to lose weight after the excesses of the Christmas period, you may be better off heading for the bedroom rather than the gym.
Making love really does count as significant exercise, scientists say.
They have found that an hour of romance between the sheets burns almost as many calories as a 30-minute jog and so should be taken into account when drawing up a fitness plan.
Men expend 120 calories during half an hour of sex and women use up 90, say researchers from the University of Quebec in Canada.
That is just under half the amount they would burn in a 30-minute jog. For brief periods during sex, some men used more energy than they did while on the treadmill.
The study, Energy Expenditure During Sexual Activity In Young Healthy Couples, found that, on average, men burned 4.2 calories a minute during sex compared to 9.2 on the treadmill. Women burned 3.1 calories a minute during sex and 7.1 jogging.
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Japanese Fantasy
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Posted:Jan 6, 2014 7:51 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2014 7:52 am
14062 Views
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Both naked under the kimono
My kimono opens
Your kimono opens
Your fan teases my cock
I trace a finger over you
Nipples harden
Your legs open
My cock is rampant
You pussy is seriously wet
I pull you onto my lap
My cock slips in so easily
You moan
I move you up and down
Your lips meet mine
Faster
Faster
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Cunning Linguists Wanted
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Posted:Jan 6, 2014 3:08 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2014 12:39 am
14298 Views
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I want to learn Russian this year!
After one year I am ashamed of myself for not making any attempt to learn Russia. I can get by with English in the capital Chisninau and some Romanian in the villages I work in. But Russian is definitely used a lot from menus in restaurants and normal people in the streets.
Please help me!
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Golf Widow
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Posted:Dec 18, 2013 12:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2014 8:05 am
15001 Views
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To link to this blog (SidSim) use [blog SidSim] in your messages.
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